Alan Stuart is MD of Stuarts of Buckhaven and president of Scottish Bakers

I’ve been studying the budget airlines and have come up with the solution for all my pie problems. I am launching, which will revolutionise the UK pie industry.

Inspired by Simple Simon, my mission statement will be ’One a penny, two a penny’ and I believe that will capture the lion’s share of the market. The website is based on our colleagues in the airline industry. Our pies will sell at the prices quoted in the mission statement, subject to a few modest extras, which will give our customers unprecedented options once unthinkable:-

1. Comprehensive food safety insurance covering everything from foot-and-mouth and mad cow disease to bubonic plague and avian flu (only £100 for lifetime cover).

2. Comprehensive cost increase insurance, protecting both of us from the effects of price rises like flour, wages, fuel etc (again only £100 for lifetime cover).

3. A small credit card charge of £8, which lets you buy up to 10,000 pies at one time.

4. The opportunity to customise your pies. For instance, if you want a particular filling, just choose from our menu of over 100, ranging from simple minced beef to venison, sole or even vegetables (surcharge applicable).

Want your pies baked? We can do that from only £10 per dozen. However, we regret that during winter months September to June this will be £20 per dozen because our ovens start off much colder during this period.

5. You might want to reserve your pies for a particular day (normally we deliver orders to suit ourselves). That is available for the same £10 per dozen no winter surcharge here! Finally, we will pack your order in secure temperature-controlled containers (only £5 each) to ensure absolute freshness on delivery. NB: if no-one is in when we deliver, we will leave the container on your doorstep.

6. Credit terms available subject to an annual credit review at £2,500 or 2.5% of average credit balance, whichever is the greater.

In certain circumstances, we will impose extra charges:

Change of delivery address£50

Order amendment£50

Dealing with complaints£50

So there it is, Easy-pie in a nutshell. How can we fail?

All these revolutionary customer benefits add up, in my opinion, to an unbeatable deal. We expect an average selling price, based on our entire range, of no more than £2. Considering all the benefits available we feel that this is tremendous value when compared to our current average cost of £1.

Seriously, we can learn a lot by studying the ways of Mr O’Leary and Co. They constantly seek new ways to make money and never lose sight of the fact that only the customer can provide that profit. Daft they are not.