Naan bread, it’s the future! As part of the government’s recently announced obesity drive (presumably to reduce it, not promote it), it will be reintroducing cookery in schools, including teaching kids how to make a “simple curry”.

Bad timing, then, that curry is now being blamed for a rise in food allergies by intolerance experts YorkTest. The number of UK curry houses swelled from 500 in 1960 to 10,000 now, and recorded intolerances to chilli pepper soared by 350% between 2002-2007.

As confirmed curry addicts, British Baker staff met this news with a unified scream of “Lies, all lies!”