We look at how sausage rolls can get the coppers on your case and whether we should be chomping cheese on toast, not downing oysters in our tongue-in-cheek Stop the Week. 

Police questioning over sausage rolls

As Alan Partridge experienced grief with his “hotter than the sun” apple turnover, bakery is now at the core of another issue - and the police have been called to action.

It’s all over the humble and well-loved sausage roll that was at the heart of a UKIP candidate’s campaigning tactics... along with some sandwiches and other fodder. UKIP’s Kim Rose is now “to be questioned” by the rozzers over allegations that he used the pastry treat to influence voters by giving them away at a party with “long-time friend” snooker star Jimmy White. The Southampton Itchen candidate was told to report himself over allegations of treating.

But British Baker thinks he’ll be OK, as long as his intentions were pure. The Electoral Commission defines a misdemeanour of this nature as: “A person is guilty of treating if... they directly or indirectly give or provide any food, drink, entertainment or provision to corruptly influence any voter to vote or refrain from voting.
“Treating requires a corrupt intent - it does not apply to ordinary hospitality.”

Rose insists that people wouldn’t allow their minds to be swayed by a mere sausage roll... which does beg the question of why he did it. Who has a definition of ‘campaigning’, please?

Food for thought (and other activities)

Scientists are always trying to link the unlinkable, aren’t they? Bacon gives you bowel cancer, eggs are bad for you - no, good for you (make your minds up) and cheese toasties are an aphrodisiac. Wait, what was that last one?

It’s true, apparently (although based on results that fall far from a landside). A study by social networking/dating site Skout has thrown caution to the wind and laid its reputation on cheese toasties making better, or at least more frequent, lovers.

The survey claims that your grilled cheese preferences say much more about you than just the maturity of your taste buds. Would you believe that mild cheese lovers are likely to be easy going, while aged Cheddar might indicate you’re a little high maintenance.

Now onto the gritty stuff - what do your grilled cheese preferences say about your sex life? Of 4,600 people surveyed, 73% of grilled cheese lovers copulate at least once a month, compared with just 63% of those who claim not to love grilled cheese.

And 32% of grilled cheese lovers have sex at least six times a month, compared with 27% of non-grilled cheese lovers.

British Baker isn’t entirely convinced of the link but, somewhat surprisingly, the public aren’t as divided as you may expect. A poll asking whether respdonents think there is a connection clocked a higher-than-expected 22% in support.

It may be best to stick to oysters though as it’s back to reality with a fairly crushing 78% majority who call ‘boohockey’.

Great British Fake Off

TV bakers Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood are to be stars of a Great British Bake Off spoof - whether they like it or not.

ITV’s new puppet show Newzoids will transform them into plastic puppets of questionable likeness for a six-part series launching on 15 April that also includes TV presenters Ant and Dec, Charles and Camilla and Andy Murray and Beyonce - we assume not together. Our esteemed leaders David Cameron and Nick Clegg will also be depicted on Jeremy Kyle’s controversial chat show.

It follows similar sketch show Spitting Image, which ended almost two decades ago, but cast and crew members fromt he original run have been reunited to make the revised programme, including impressionist Jon Culshaw.

The new puppets are made of plastic and have been 3D-printed and finished off by hand. Each is around a foot tall, controlled by metal rods. Computer artists then make the puppets’ lips and eyes move in synch using CGI animation.

We can only imagine how thrilled the subjects will be.